I am Not Alone

I have had several close friends and family members ask me "How are you really doing."  My answer to this is usually "I am really doing ok"  but every once in awhile everything is not ok.  I had a rough night Sunday evening.  I felt like the weight of everything was pressing on my shoulders. I felt lost, out of control, scared, tired, overwhelmed, I felt like a failure.  I could not help ease the burden Jordon is carrying. I can't make it better for him.  I felt like a failure as a mom. My kids come for visits and I hold and love them, but I can't make little Mckay understand why his Dad is sick. Maya fights tears on and off the whole time she is with me.  When it's time to say goodbye she about rips my heart out. I do my best to keep it light and make her laugh but I usually end up crying with her.  Addie has been a rock, she does not cry she is always worried about me, making sure I am OK.  I want to take some of the pressure off of her but I can't. I am well aware these trials will make my kids strong, better people, but at times like Sunday night the burden of it all presses on my shoulders to the point its hard to breath. I feel guilt as I sit in a hospital room drinking diet coke while my Parent juggle our three kids with their already full schedules. 
Sunday night I was ashamed of myself as I sat on the chair in Jordon's room heaving sobs, with Jordon attempting to console me. He is fighting a sickness that could take his life and I am not strong enough to keep it together. I sat numb on the chair as he struggled with his IV pole so he helped clean off his bed so I could lay down, so I wouldn't pass out. I was so upset with myself for making his burden even heaver, I just shut down my emotions, it was easier not to feel. My drive from the hospital to the condo I felt numb.As I laid down to sleep  I said my prayers but shut out all feeling, I just went through the motions not asking for the peace or comfort I so needed. I went to bed feeling inadequate and alone. 
I woke up Monday not feeling much better. I have a twenty minute drive from the condo every morning, leaving me plenty of time to think. While driving thinking about how alone I was. I had this amazing peace come over me and a thought entered my mind.  I am not alone. The Lord has been carrying me from the beginning, he has made my burdens lighter. I am not sure why but every once in awhile I must push the spirit away so the Lord puts me down just for a time, allowing me to feel the weight of my trials. Looking back on my low time I can not imagine going through this without my Lord and Savior. He does not make me carry the load for long, he is always right there waiting for me to ask again for his strength.

Most days I really am doing ok.  Most of my drives to and from the hospital are singing along with the Christmas CD's in my car I do feel at peace. Our kids are really doing great.  They have their moments, but just like me they are doing good.  Jordon has seen miracles almost daily.  

I am aware Jordon and I don't even come close to having the market cornered on trials. Our burden is nothing compared to the load others have to carry.  I don't want to trade trials with someone else I will take what we have been given.  I will however be eternally grateful I have not had to carry it on my own. Thanks to those of you who have been praying for us, they are felt daily. 

OH YEA ON A LIGHTER NOTE:  JORODON'S NEUTROPHILS (the part of his white blood cells we care about) were 100 yesterday and today they are 300. They have to be at 500 for a few days for him to be discharged from the hospital.  Wahooo  Let hope they keep moving up quickly.